None of us can get past the fact that we are all human, and at one time or another, we’ve all been in arguments that spiral out of control. Whatever the reason, these can leave us feeling drained and upset. You can avoid all this negativity and get better outcomes by learning to argue healthily, avoid escalation, and resolve conflicts positively.
Black Love is about having healthy arguments, and in many cases, the most challenging part of a healthy argument is sitting down and having it. Often, arguments result from putting how you feel on the back burner, which builds resentment. This is what Black Love is all about! Being mature, healthy, and mindful of how you and your partner feel.
Black Love is overcoming the fear of letting someone know your truth. It can be scary to confront someone and let them know your truth. However, if you genuinely love someone, the truth is the foundation of your Love for each other. Make the time to have this talk and let the other person know what it is about so they can also process it.
When arguing within the mindset of Black Love, we must keep in the forefront that arguments are not for the win, its for solutions. Many of us are culturally conditioned to think individually instead of thinking of family; we are now more focused on winning than the solutions in arguments with our loved ones.
Black Love is solution orientated! To find real solutions to our problems, we must let go of the idea that someone has to “win.” Focus on what is right rather than who is right. Most of the time, people do things that hurt you because they are unaware. You can’t expect anyone to know what is best for you, so let them know. Use your perspective and how things make you feel instead of using words that may make them feel attacked and put them on the defense.
Remember that arguing is normal. Arguing is a part of life, and it’s sometimes good. Arguing can be healthy! It allows you to express your feelings and opinions, and it can help you come to a resolution. However, arguments can become unhealthy when they’re too heated or damage your relationships.
Maintaining your respect for your partner is vital to finding a solution. Respect in Black Love is a straightforward concept. It means that you treat your spouse or partner thoughtfully and courteously. It means that you avoid treating each other in rude and disrespectful ways. There is no name-calling, insulting, demeaning, eye-rolling, sarcasm, ignoring, or anything else disrespectful you might want to throw out when you hear what you don’t want to hear.
Respect for your partner also means that your partner’s opinions, wishes, and values are always worthy of consideration. This might sound simple to those who are somewhat healthy-minded. Still, in a relationship, it takes work, mindfulness, and a clear understanding that all relationships have their numbs in the road, and how you deal with them together dictates if you and your partner will grow stronger or grow apart.
If you want respect, you have to give it. Keep calm by breathing, listening, and asking questions over shouting perspectives.
Try to avoid escalation. One of the best ways to keep an argument healthy is to prevent escalation. Try not to say things that will make the other person more upset. Instead, try to stay calm and focused on the issue at hand. If your voice gets louder, take a deep breath and calm down.
Avoid bringing up past arguments because it will make the other person feel threatened and frustrated. Also, avoid making threats and ultimatums, as threats will worsen the argument. You also don’t want to say anything that you might regret later.
Acknowledge your feelings and those of your partner. It’s essential to acknowledge your feelings and those of the person you’re arguing with. It can be difficult, especially if you’re feeling angry and defensive. But it’s essential to see things from the other person’s perspective.
How to see things from the other person’s perspective: Try using “I” statements when communicating. For example, “I feel hurt when you speak to me like that.” It can help the other person feel heard and understood. It’s also essential to avoid making assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask them directly.
Try to be open to the possibility that you might be wrong. It can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that we all see things differently. By acknowledging your feelings and those of the other person, you can understand each other’s perspectives and find common ground.
In my book, the 53 Building Blocks to Become a Divine Black Masculine, I talk about the importance of communication and how masculinity and feminity plays a role in communication in relationships. Today’s society has the masculine and feminine so construed that Black men and women cannot properly communicate.
It is vital to foster Black Love; Black men and women must communicate effectively to resolve the issues that life presents in their relationship. Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings and those of the other person, it’s time to communicate effectively. It means speaking calmly and respectfully, even if you disagree with the other person.
Communicate effectively by implementing these tips: Listen carefully to the other person’s words. It can be challenging when you’re feeling angry, but it’s essential to understand their perspective.
Be willing to compromise. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything the other person says, but it means that you’re willing to meet in the middle.
Focus on the issue. When you’re in an argument, staying focused on the issue is essential. Avoid bringing up other issues unrelated to the current discussion. Only talk about the current issue. Refrain from bringing up past arguments or points. For example, if you argue about your partner not doing the dishes, don’t mention that they never take out the trash. It will confuse the argument and doesn’t help resolve the conflict.
Try to stay calm and focused. It’s challenging to stay on topic when you’re upset, but it’s important to try. Be specific about what you’re upset about. It will help the other person understand your perspective and lead to a more productive discussion. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I felt unheard when you didn’t respond to my text message.”
Acknowledge your feelings and those of your partner, friend, or family member. It’s essential to acknowledge your feelings and those of the person you’re arguing with. It can be difficult, especially if you’re feeling angry and defensive. But it’s essential to see things from the other person’s perspective.
How to see things from the other person’s perspective: Try using “I” statements when communicating. It can help the other person feel heard and understood. For example, “I feel hurt when you speak to me like that.”
It’s also essential to avoid making assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask them directly. By acknowledging your feelings and those of the other person, you can understand each other’s perspectives and find common ground.
Finally, try to be open to the possibility that you might be wrong. It can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that we all see things differently.
Resolve the conflict. Once you’ve calmly and respectfully communicated your points and counterpoints, it’s time to resolve the conflict. Talk with the other person about why you’re upset and brainstorm solutions to help both parties. Listen to the other person’s perspective. It’s important to understand where they’re coming from. Try to devise a compromise that both of you can agree on. For example, if you’re arguing about who to wash the car, you may decide to wash the car together.
Arguing is a normal part of any relationship; it’s part of the growth of Black Love instead of failure. It’s essential to argue healthily. Resolve conflicts, create solutions and avoid raising your voice and insults. Take a break, practice deep breathing, and try to resolve the dispute without escalation. Loving relationships require work. Remember how much you care about your partner and let them know, especially when you disagree.